Every Parent is Deceived (most just don’t know it yet)

Do you believe that we have a real enemy? I hope that you do.  

And one of the things that he is most masterful at is the art of deception. He is the great deceiver. He’s done it since that first day in the Garden of Eden, and he continues to do it masterfully even in our own homes today.  

And as much as we’d like to deny it and not have to swallow the reality of this brutal truth, we can’t afford to naively ignore it… 

Every parent is deceived… most of us just don’t know it yet.

Whether we’re willing to admit it or not, we ALL have blind spots, and we usually don’t even realize them (although they’re often glaringly obvious to others… can you relate?).

But by the very idea and definition of “deception”, it implies that the person being deceived doesn’t realize that they have believed something that is a lie (otherwise, if they did, they wouldn’t actually be deceived).

But because we know that our enemy is real and that his tactics are powerful, we would do well to recognize that everyone (including ourself) is being deceived in some way. Because once we recognize it, even in our parenting, that is the start to us ultimately finding out exactly where we are personally being targeted by the enemy’s lies.

Sometimes the best way to determine the areas where deception is taking place is to simply be objective as a parent by asking ourselves some honest questions about ourselves and our children…  Here are a few to consider:

  • If I saw other people’s kids acting the way that mine do, would I be proud, ashamed, pleased, frustrated, or annoyed?
  • If I saw other parents acting the way that I do toward my kids, would I be proud, ashamed, pleased, frustrated, or annoyed?
  • Am I excusing and putting up with behavior from my children that I would consider to be unacceptable from others’, or that my own parents would have considered to be unacceptable from me?
  • Am I making excuses for my child to justify why I’m not dealing with them in certain areas?
  • Am I making excuses for myself and the reasons why I don’t deal with certain things in my own parenting?
  • Are my children currently on the path to spiritual maturity or worldly carnality?

While different parents may be deceived differently, here are 5 of the main types of deceived parents:

1) The Hearer, but not Doer…

James 1:22  But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves. 

One of the greatest forms of deception that Satan uses in every area of life, including parenting, is deceiving those who know what is right to do (they have been taught and trained), but do little to nothing with what they know.  They have somehow bought into the lie of thinking that their knowledge of the truth is enough.  That because they know how to be a good parent, that they are one.  But that is not always the case, because as we all know, actions always speak louder than words. 

  • They may read books about parenting. They may attend conferences and classes. They may listen to messages and podcasts. They may even take great notes. But those practices and principles never seem to leave the page and transfer into their daily life. They know so much, but apply so little. And as a result, this category of parents is quite possibly among the greatest of the deceived because they have deceived themselves by being hearers, but not doers.
  • They try new things and they don’t work, so instead of finding something else that does work, they simply stop trying new things. They have very little, if any, consistency or follow through on what they try, and so they often give up before they’ve given anything a fair chance.  They want a “quick fix”, and so they’re often not willing to put in the time, discipline and dedication it takes to see the results they want.

You might hear some of these things said by this parent:

  • “I’ve just tried everything and nothing seems to work.”
  • That kind of discipline used to work for our parents, but it’s so old fashioned and out of date now.”
  • “I know that’s what the Bible says, but there are so many other options and alternatives nowadays.”
  • “I know these principles have worked for other parents, but my kids are just different.”

The solution for this parent is this: Apply what you know that you’ve been taught and seen work successfully for others.  And remember, “you don’t get what you wish for, you get what you work for.”

2) The Justifier…

This type of parent is one who always has good reason for why their child did what they did or said, no matter how wrong it may have seemed to have been to everyone else.

You might hear some of these things said by this parent:

  • “It’s not that big of a deal. We have plenty of time to deal with this when they’re older.”
  • “Yes, my kids are out of control, but they’re not quite old enough to discipline yet.”
  • “My kids are already in elementary school, so they’re way too old to discipline now.”
  • “Well, the real reason they act that way is because…”

The solution for this parent is this: Guard yourself against making excuses for your kids or for yourself.  Excuses can hinder future growth for both yourself and your child by only encouraging more of the same of what you’re experiencing now. (Psalm 51:6)

3) The “Not My Kid” parent…

This parent is similar to the justifier, but also different. They’re always convinced that their kids would never be capable of such things as they are alleged. In their mind, their child is always the exception to the rule.  They go to bat for their kids’ failure to show responsibility or having to follow through on their commitments.  They often mollycoddle their children rather than allowing them to learn how to face the realities of life.  They also allow their kid’s feelings to dictate their decisions. (Whether it’s requiring their kids to do chores that they don’t like to do, attend classes they don’t want to attend, or making them apologize to someone that they’ve wronged).

You might hear some of these things said by this parent:

  • “I know that’s what most kids do, but my kids would never do that.” (Fake sick, lie to me, shift blame on someone who’s innocent, etc.)
  • “My kid is a “good kid” who would never _______________ “ (Having good kids does in no way mean they are in any less a sinner than the rest.)
  • “My kids would never take advantage of me and my kindness.” (any parent who would say or think this is clearly being taken advantage of by their children).
  • “My kids would never manipulate me.” (Oh, yes, I’m sure they’ve never even tried.  Mine never have 😃)

The solution for this parent is this: You need to be your child’s parent more than their friend.  Do what is best for them, not what is most in line with their feelings, or most convenient at the time. Your child needs a parent who cares more about their future than they do about their feelings. (Proverbs 19:18)

4) The Threatener…

This is the parent who is often threatening to discipline their child, yet their child probably can’t remember the last time they were actually disciplined.  They use threats and sometimes lots of volume to demand conformity, somehow mistakenly thinking that louder parents raise more obedient kids.

You might hear some of these things said by this parent:

  • “If you do that one more time…”
  • “I’m going to count to three, and you’d better…”
  • “If I have to tell you to stop doing that again, you’re going to regret it…”
  • “Why aren’t you listening to me?  Can’t you just behave for once…”
  • “If you don’t listen to me in this store, you’re never going to eat ice cream (or fill in the blank) again in your entire life…”

The solution for this parent is: Quit being a hovering cloud without rain.  Follow through on your word with consequences, rather than more threats.  Let your word in it’s normal tone speak for itself.  With time, your children will begin to take notice that you say what you mean, and you mean what you say.  (James 1:20)

5) The Pharisee…

This is the parent who thinks their kids are better than others because they are just “such good kids.”  They put their kids on a pedestal, and their children often know it. They’re often compliant, willing, and follow the rules. But sadly, this parent easily falls into the trap of thinking that they have been successful at parenting simply because they have raised good rule-followers, when in truth, they may have failed to raise genuine Jesus-followers. And if they fail to make sure their children are first and foremost Jesus-followers, they will wonder what could have possibly happened or went wrong all too late when their kids walk away from the faith.

You might hear some of these things said by this parent:

  • “I thank thee, Oh God, that my kids are not as other kids.”  (reference Luke 18:11) (I’m thankful that my kids are so much better behaved than other’s.)
  • “My kids know that if they ever tried to do that they’d never see tomorrow.”
  • “I don’t think my kids will ever give me any problems. They’re just so well-behaved.”
  • “I know it’s happened to others, but my kids will never mess up like that…”

The solution for this parent is this: Be careful not to focus on outward conformity more than you do inward transformation in your children.  Guard yourself against giving your kids the wrong impression that they are spiritual for all the wrong reasons (following the rules, being more compliant than their siblings, etc.).  Train your children to have a personal relationship and walk with God that goes far beyond rules and reaches deep into the heart. (Matthew 23:23)

As parents, we all have ways that we naturally want to rationalize away things that we know we should or shouldn’t be doing in our parenting.  Because it’s always easier to make an excuse than it is to take action and responsibility by admitting we’ve been deceived.

But let’s face it, every parent is deceived, including you, and including me.  Our job is simply to break the lies of deception by recognizing them for what they are, and taking tangible steps of action to change.  

We just need to stop, look, and think long enough to realize where our blind spots are, and where we need to be more rational and intentional in our parenting. Or, be bold enough to ask someone we trust to point them out to us.

So, in what area are you currently being deceived as a parent? Also, what other types of deceived parents might you add to this list?

2 Corinthians 2:11  Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices.

  • Next week I’ll be helping you get honest as a parent by sending you a free Childhood Observation Analysis to determine where your kids currently are, and how to get them to where you’d like them to be.  So check back soon, or simply subscribe to godlyparent.com to get all future updates directly in your inbox.

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